I miss "LOVE" and "CARE".

This post may not make sense because I'm not in the right condition as I type this. Still exhausted from the 3-week review (same reason I didn't get to post anything new the past few weeks).

As the years pass, the more I seem to get distant with a lot of people, including the ones I care for. I don't know if that's how it is, or I only think that way because I'm becoming less self-centered and more aware of the real world.

I hate myself for it. For being weak, for caring too much, and for making a big fuss out of small things such as the attention that I get or that is given to me... but like all other things, I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

Yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday. The last day of my review... was bittersweet. I was glad to finally say good-bye to studying during the summer; to waking up early; and to commuting, squeezing myself in with the crowd, and inhaling all the smoke those wonderful carbon-monoxide belching vehicles had to give. I was also looking forward to continuing my vacation before finally going back to Davao to start my last year in High School in my new school, Ateneo de Davao... but at the same time, I was sad to say good-bye to the people I met. Even though we didn't get to know each other well, or spend much time together, we were still part of a class. And it was really fun to think that we, unlike other kids our age, have goals in life that we want to reach.

But what really made it bitter was the hurtful experience that came after we said our farewells.

There's this guy in class that I had a crush on during the first few weeks of the review. Had. Notice the emphasis. Okay. Back before I got over him, my seatmate and his schoolmate noticed this in me... but she promised to keep it a secret. Obviously, things did not turn out well as she planned on "surprising" me, so that I could "make a move on the guy", even if it were only for friendship's sake. I'm not mad at her or anything; in fact, I was quite grateful that I didn't have to keep my feelings a secret anymore. The only wrong thing that happened was all my fault. I admitted to it.

When he started asking people around about this person who had a crush on him, he also asked me, but in a manner different from the way he asked others. He was suspecting me to be the one. Even if I tried to steer away from the topic, he would bring our conversation back to it. And he was addressing my queries as if I was the one with a crush on him. Since it was already too clear, and I was tired of pretending, I just admitted to it.

Well, afterwards... the usual thing (I would do) happened. He started feeling uneasy towards me, up until the point that he wouldn't even look at me anymore.

I don't get it. I don't know if it's only in my case, but... To press people for an answer, and upon finding out who it is will start ignoring that person feels mean. It's really hurtful. It's like I'm a disgusting person. A stalker, at the worst... which isn't true naman.

I've been "busted" a lot of times by my crushes, but not once did they ever ignore me afterwards. We still remained friends after all the icky stuff. The guy and I were friends, too... and I surely didn't do anything wrong, so why does it seem like I do deserve that kind of treatment from him?

If there's one thing that really hurts me, it's being ignored, or forgotten.

Being ignored makes me feel like I'm worthless. Or that I have done something wrong. It's happened to me countless times before that it has left a deep scar in my heart and mind.

My mum would ignore me if she was mad at me. She would ignore me if she didn't care, of if I had hurt her. Since she doesn't say anything no matter what I do, I feel frustrated and uncared for. How would I know if I was wrong if she wouldn't tell me? Am I really a bad child to be left all alone?

There was once a time when my mother almost left a 7-year old me on a jeepney in Manila. Go figure how that would feel. I was as unimportant as the environment or as everything else that passes that I was easily forgotten. Just like that. They weren't being careless. It just didn't seem like I was there.

Another example would be those times when I would ask my friends to wait for me or to hear me out, but never really had my wishes granted.

Yesterday, I wanted to clear things up between us once and for all so that I could continue being friends with him, so I went after him as he was on his way to the jeep terminal. I must've come off as kulang sa pansin (someone lacking attention/wanting attention) to him, but that, I think, is not reasonable enough for him to not stop, look back, and listen to me... even after I called out to him a number of times, within an arm's length of a distance. Even after having said "Please".

It hurt me a lot... that I said things I shouldn't have. I kind of regret everything now... but I try not to dwell on it. That's why I'm writing this down, so I can take everything off my mind, and move on.

Yay. Davao. I miss you.

I miss my family, the comfort Davao provides, the people, the places. I can't wait to get home already...

Once I'm back, I might miss Manila, and a few other things outside Davao... but being back home will make me miss things and people who used to be there. Like a certain someone named Craig Morris, who I really looked forward to seeing in school this year. I even wished to be in the same section as he is.

Sadly, he'll be living in Brunei from now on. It may be for the better, or not. But I'm wishing that he'll do just fine. It hasn't been too long since he left, but I'm missing him a lot already. Maybe because we didn't even get much chance to spend time with each other (we only met twice). We'll still see each other in the days to come, and in the future, of course. There will be a way. :]

Ja ne.

In My World.

On repeat: Fix You by Coldplay
Book to remember: Sophie's World.

There are two questions that struck me as much as the main character in the book:

1. Who are you?
2. Where does the world come from?

I am who I am, of course. I can give out every single detail needed about me, but if you try to read between the lines of that question, and think like how Sophie did, you'd find a deeper sense in the question.

Who am I?

For countless days now, and for most of my life, I have often wondered about my existence. About my own person. What if I were born as a male? Or named differently? Or what if I had been raised up from a family different from mine? Would it have made a difference? Of course, it would. But how different would it have been? And why?

I am Francine. Ever since I was young, I have asked countless questions as to "why" such things happen and some more hypothetical questions. Had I not been continuously reprimanded for my incessant asking of those questions (and the rest of the 5 Ws and H), I would have made a habit of it, and maybe still, wonder about more. Somehow, I'm glad I calmed down a little, but it doesn't mean I completely stopped. That's something I won't ever do. Because, as far as I know, not in this lifetime... or ever, will my questions be answered.

Where does the world come from?

Is it possible to create something out of nothing? Something should come from something, right? I am not doubting my religion, but I refuse to fully believe that we were formed the way the Bible said so. Nor the way science explains it.

I see it with a mix of both, actually, but if you get to the whole point of it, there's still that question... "Where did it come from?"

We seriously could have not come from just hydrogen, helium, nitrogen, and a bunch of other gases mixed together, right? If so, then why are we so different from the Earth we live in; the ground we step on; the animals and plants around us? What makes us so different from them if we did come from the same material? No one knows the true answer to it, and so people run to the figure they call God -- the greater knowledge that ends the confusion to all this. Why? Because it's impossible with insufficient data, it's impossible for our simple minds, our lack of imagination... to figure the whole thing out. Or maybe, because He really is true... which I have come to believe in and still firmly hold on to now (I was just speaking for the people, in general, sir).

As long as we get to live life, we should no longer worry about such "trivialities"... or so they say... but should you actually consider the matter to be something of less to no importance, at all? I think not. It is a wonderful question we all must remind ourselves of to make the most of our life. Thinking about it makes us live different, extraordinary lives. What we take for granted, will become so beautiful for us. The dull and boring cycle of life most of us live will be changed if we all engraved that question in our mind. There will be more action, more suspense!

But then again... another set of questions pop up.

"What is the meaning to our individual existence? Why do we live? What is there in life and death? How do we break apart from the chain? Why do we need to?"

These questions are the ones I ask myself and other people the most. Even before I read Sophie's World, I have had those things in mind.

It's pretty Nihilistic for me to say that life is meaningless, but that somehow sums everything up for me. If our life is a routine, what's the point of it? Why do we do what we do? Life on Earth is our preparation for life in heaven, the schools I've been to have thought me. But does heaven and hell exist, at all? Why do we live in the first place?

I may sound atheist this time, and I'm sorry for that, but somehow... these doubts and questions always cross my mind, to my annoyance. I no longer am as religious as I used to be back when I was a young, innocent kid, but I still would like to keep my faith. Not just because it's easier to do that, but because I still believe that God has the answer. I'm part of the bandwagon, say, but I at least am not biased. I prefer to be open-minded, but I would not want to be labeled as a skeptic either. I just want to find meaning in my life...

To do good and avoid evil is what everyone ought to do, is what a certain someone had instilled my mind... but the question is, how can we tell good from evil, when society, made up of imperfect people, is the one who makes up the norm for this? What about those who prefer to be on the grey side, rather than choosing from black or white?

An example of this would be like defending someone who stole food for the sake of survival. How do you defend and justify his actions then? If poverty is wrong, then why is there poverty in the first place? Why cannot we live as equals?

I understand the survival of the fittest, but not in the inhumane way. There are people who live a world of their own, sane or insane, and we cannot force our beliefs on them... I wish people would take that opinion into consideration, as well.



...

At the end of each day, I still go to bed... think to myself... pray to my God. Call me a hypocrite for having said all those things, but I still believe in Him. I may be weak of heart and will, but with all my might, with all my soul, I want to believe. At the end of everything, I still want to do good, not because I dread the loss of heaven or the pains of hell, but because it is what makes me most happy in my mysterious, somewhat miserable life. Having done nothing good at all is just as worse as having done something bad.


Well, that was quite long... but I can't say it's finished. I need to get some shut-eye. For a long time now, I haven't been feeling well. Can't sleep for long; at times, I sleep to much; I don't eat right; I feel so lethargic.

Oh yeah... I don't know if it was because I wasn't in my right mind after having slept at 5am that I dreamt that, but... I dreamt that my friend, Ronald, and I met at the local grocery store... which would be Rustan's supermarket. Then, as if he read my mind or knew what I was thinking (because then, I did not), he said to me, "Come on, Francine, you know you want to," and took out a gun and started killing everone there. He pointed the gun to me, but shifted its position so that it seemed like he was giving it to me... but I refused and ran away. Ahh. What an odd, odd dream.

Sometimes, I do think of dying, too. And of killing. Haha. But because it's a sin, and because somehow the thought of what comes after death scares me, I try not to dwell on it.

Good night.

Life's Lessons

A little something I stumbled across my friend's note on Facebook.

You must learn...

-that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
-that no matter how much you care, some people just don't care back.
-that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
-that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
-that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
-that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
-that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
-that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
-that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
-that it'll taking you a long time to become the person you want to be.
-that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
-that you can keep going long after you can't.
-that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
-that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
-that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
-that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
-that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
-that you and your bestfriends can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
-that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
-that sometimes when you're angry you have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel.
-that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
-that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
-that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
-that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
-that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.
-that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
-that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
-that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
-that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
-that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
-that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
-that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
-that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
-that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
-that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
-that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
-that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
-that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what you believe.
-that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.


Shows just how much of my life I've screwed up.

A Letter for Kuya

I wish I had the ability to turn each precious thoughts and memories into everlasting paintings and photographs… like you do.

I never liked you more than as a friend, but I’ve always loved you like a brother. You taught me a lot of things, not just in art, but also about life. You were a great person, and a wonderful adviser. You may have had your flaws, but I never noticed much of them. It could’ve been because you were good at hiding it, or because they were never there from the start. Your goodness outshone each of them. That is why I still cannot accept the turn of events… everything that happened to you.

Just thinking of this, and of the times we spent together in the past makes me sad. I may not cry like crazy, pero napapaluha parin ako ng seryoso at napapadasal ng taimtin na sana maibalik ang dati Ang dating panahon, ang dating relasyon, at ang dating ikaw.

I’m so sorry.

I have no right to be praising you and saying these things about you. I’m not even worthy to talk to you… because I know that no matter how much you deny it with your saving excuses, I still am part of the reason for your breakdown. Big or small, I still am as guilty as the rest.

I’m typing this, not just because my conscience is bothering me, but because I truly am sorry, and I miss you so much.

I was hoping I could gather all my guts to tell you this in person, but I don’t even know where you are… or how I can contact you. For all I know, you’re avoiding us. That is why, although chances are slim that you’ll come across this and read it, I’m praying that you will. I wish it will call out to you and tell you to search for it.

I am not sure how or where to start, but I know you’ll understand. You always do.

The first time I met you, I was so happy for selfish reasons. You were sad then, and I might not have helped you out much, but as time passed, I was just happy with who you were – a friend.

You would tease me, laugh at me, scare me, and play with me, like all others do. But unlike most of them, you were always there to hear me out, and you were there to teach me about so many other things. What you had to give were of much importance, and I truly appreciated it. Sometimes, I would be annoyed at you for being better than me at everything, but it didn’t really matter. I was proud to have someone like you there by my side.

Then it came. The time I wish had never happened… There was nothing wrong with it, but I messed it all up. You were going out with my sister, so what? Two other guys have done that, too. You were bipolar, so what? So were many of the people I knew. Whatever the reason, you still were human. You were free to do all that and be that… You did not wish for it to happen, everyone knew. Except for me. I was overly protective of my sister… my greatest rival. I kept her from you not because I thought you weren’t good enough for her, or because I thought you were a sick, sick person, but because I was selfish. I didn’t like it that my sister was more liked than I was. I didn’t like it that you had more time for her, and that you only talked about and to her most of the time since then. Most of all, I feared for our relationship, after everything was over. From the start, I had been negative about it, thinking only of myself when it came to the consequences of my actions and of circumstances. I never thought I was the wrong one back then. I thought you were.

You said so many big things, colorful words back then… that it infuriated me. It disgusted me. I thought, “Who were you to be all proud when you’re wrong and undeserving of the goals you spoke of?” I didn’t even take into consideration your condition, because I didn’t know, and when I found out about it, I used it against you, instead of for you. Although I knew how it felt, I didn’t bother to remember my own experiences. I forgot that what you were doing was a hard thing. I knew it was hard to say such hopeful words, knowing you would only get more scorn than appreciation in return. I thought it was unfair that you weren’t suffering the same pains we were… The pains I did when I was just as sick.

I didn’t even consider the difference in the level of our problems, our situations.

I do not wish to further specifically remind you of the many hurts and actions I, your mother, and the others have brought upon you.

Bottom line of this long message is…

Forgive me. I love you. We love you. We need you back. You can recover. You will get well soon. You are always in our mind. We are praying for you.

I hope this will make you remember, kuya. I hope this will inspire you, like how it inspires me.

I wish to see you again in the near future.