In My World.

On repeat: Fix You by Coldplay
Book to remember: Sophie's World.

There are two questions that struck me as much as the main character in the book:

1. Who are you?
2. Where does the world come from?

I am who I am, of course. I can give out every single detail needed about me, but if you try to read between the lines of that question, and think like how Sophie did, you'd find a deeper sense in the question.

Who am I?

For countless days now, and for most of my life, I have often wondered about my existence. About my own person. What if I were born as a male? Or named differently? Or what if I had been raised up from a family different from mine? Would it have made a difference? Of course, it would. But how different would it have been? And why?

I am Francine. Ever since I was young, I have asked countless questions as to "why" such things happen and some more hypothetical questions. Had I not been continuously reprimanded for my incessant asking of those questions (and the rest of the 5 Ws and H), I would have made a habit of it, and maybe still, wonder about more. Somehow, I'm glad I calmed down a little, but it doesn't mean I completely stopped. That's something I won't ever do. Because, as far as I know, not in this lifetime... or ever, will my questions be answered.

Where does the world come from?

Is it possible to create something out of nothing? Something should come from something, right? I am not doubting my religion, but I refuse to fully believe that we were formed the way the Bible said so. Nor the way science explains it.

I see it with a mix of both, actually, but if you get to the whole point of it, there's still that question... "Where did it come from?"

We seriously could have not come from just hydrogen, helium, nitrogen, and a bunch of other gases mixed together, right? If so, then why are we so different from the Earth we live in; the ground we step on; the animals and plants around us? What makes us so different from them if we did come from the same material? No one knows the true answer to it, and so people run to the figure they call God -- the greater knowledge that ends the confusion to all this. Why? Because it's impossible with insufficient data, it's impossible for our simple minds, our lack of imagination... to figure the whole thing out. Or maybe, because He really is true... which I have come to believe in and still firmly hold on to now (I was just speaking for the people, in general, sir).

As long as we get to live life, we should no longer worry about such "trivialities"... or so they say... but should you actually consider the matter to be something of less to no importance, at all? I think not. It is a wonderful question we all must remind ourselves of to make the most of our life. Thinking about it makes us live different, extraordinary lives. What we take for granted, will become so beautiful for us. The dull and boring cycle of life most of us live will be changed if we all engraved that question in our mind. There will be more action, more suspense!

But then again... another set of questions pop up.

"What is the meaning to our individual existence? Why do we live? What is there in life and death? How do we break apart from the chain? Why do we need to?"

These questions are the ones I ask myself and other people the most. Even before I read Sophie's World, I have had those things in mind.

It's pretty Nihilistic for me to say that life is meaningless, but that somehow sums everything up for me. If our life is a routine, what's the point of it? Why do we do what we do? Life on Earth is our preparation for life in heaven, the schools I've been to have thought me. But does heaven and hell exist, at all? Why do we live in the first place?

I may sound atheist this time, and I'm sorry for that, but somehow... these doubts and questions always cross my mind, to my annoyance. I no longer am as religious as I used to be back when I was a young, innocent kid, but I still would like to keep my faith. Not just because it's easier to do that, but because I still believe that God has the answer. I'm part of the bandwagon, say, but I at least am not biased. I prefer to be open-minded, but I would not want to be labeled as a skeptic either. I just want to find meaning in my life...

To do good and avoid evil is what everyone ought to do, is what a certain someone had instilled my mind... but the question is, how can we tell good from evil, when society, made up of imperfect people, is the one who makes up the norm for this? What about those who prefer to be on the grey side, rather than choosing from black or white?

An example of this would be like defending someone who stole food for the sake of survival. How do you defend and justify his actions then? If poverty is wrong, then why is there poverty in the first place? Why cannot we live as equals?

I understand the survival of the fittest, but not in the inhumane way. There are people who live a world of their own, sane or insane, and we cannot force our beliefs on them... I wish people would take that opinion into consideration, as well.



...

At the end of each day, I still go to bed... think to myself... pray to my God. Call me a hypocrite for having said all those things, but I still believe in Him. I may be weak of heart and will, but with all my might, with all my soul, I want to believe. At the end of everything, I still want to do good, not because I dread the loss of heaven or the pains of hell, but because it is what makes me most happy in my mysterious, somewhat miserable life. Having done nothing good at all is just as worse as having done something bad.


Well, that was quite long... but I can't say it's finished. I need to get some shut-eye. For a long time now, I haven't been feeling well. Can't sleep for long; at times, I sleep to much; I don't eat right; I feel so lethargic.

Oh yeah... I don't know if it was because I wasn't in my right mind after having slept at 5am that I dreamt that, but... I dreamt that my friend, Ronald, and I met at the local grocery store... which would be Rustan's supermarket. Then, as if he read my mind or knew what I was thinking (because then, I did not), he said to me, "Come on, Francine, you know you want to," and took out a gun and started killing everone there. He pointed the gun to me, but shifted its position so that it seemed like he was giving it to me... but I refused and ran away. Ahh. What an odd, odd dream.

Sometimes, I do think of dying, too. And of killing. Haha. But because it's a sin, and because somehow the thought of what comes after death scares me, I try not to dwell on it.

Good night.