A Letter for Kuya

I wish I had the ability to turn each precious thoughts and memories into everlasting paintings and photographs… like you do.

I never liked you more than as a friend, but I’ve always loved you like a brother. You taught me a lot of things, not just in art, but also about life. You were a great person, and a wonderful adviser. You may have had your flaws, but I never noticed much of them. It could’ve been because you were good at hiding it, or because they were never there from the start. Your goodness outshone each of them. That is why I still cannot accept the turn of events… everything that happened to you.

Just thinking of this, and of the times we spent together in the past makes me sad. I may not cry like crazy, pero napapaluha parin ako ng seryoso at napapadasal ng taimtin na sana maibalik ang dati Ang dating panahon, ang dating relasyon, at ang dating ikaw.

I’m so sorry.

I have no right to be praising you and saying these things about you. I’m not even worthy to talk to you… because I know that no matter how much you deny it with your saving excuses, I still am part of the reason for your breakdown. Big or small, I still am as guilty as the rest.

I’m typing this, not just because my conscience is bothering me, but because I truly am sorry, and I miss you so much.

I was hoping I could gather all my guts to tell you this in person, but I don’t even know where you are… or how I can contact you. For all I know, you’re avoiding us. That is why, although chances are slim that you’ll come across this and read it, I’m praying that you will. I wish it will call out to you and tell you to search for it.

I am not sure how or where to start, but I know you’ll understand. You always do.

The first time I met you, I was so happy for selfish reasons. You were sad then, and I might not have helped you out much, but as time passed, I was just happy with who you were – a friend.

You would tease me, laugh at me, scare me, and play with me, like all others do. But unlike most of them, you were always there to hear me out, and you were there to teach me about so many other things. What you had to give were of much importance, and I truly appreciated it. Sometimes, I would be annoyed at you for being better than me at everything, but it didn’t really matter. I was proud to have someone like you there by my side.

Then it came. The time I wish had never happened… There was nothing wrong with it, but I messed it all up. You were going out with my sister, so what? Two other guys have done that, too. You were bipolar, so what? So were many of the people I knew. Whatever the reason, you still were human. You were free to do all that and be that… You did not wish for it to happen, everyone knew. Except for me. I was overly protective of my sister… my greatest rival. I kept her from you not because I thought you weren’t good enough for her, or because I thought you were a sick, sick person, but because I was selfish. I didn’t like it that my sister was more liked than I was. I didn’t like it that you had more time for her, and that you only talked about and to her most of the time since then. Most of all, I feared for our relationship, after everything was over. From the start, I had been negative about it, thinking only of myself when it came to the consequences of my actions and of circumstances. I never thought I was the wrong one back then. I thought you were.

You said so many big things, colorful words back then… that it infuriated me. It disgusted me. I thought, “Who were you to be all proud when you’re wrong and undeserving of the goals you spoke of?” I didn’t even take into consideration your condition, because I didn’t know, and when I found out about it, I used it against you, instead of for you. Although I knew how it felt, I didn’t bother to remember my own experiences. I forgot that what you were doing was a hard thing. I knew it was hard to say such hopeful words, knowing you would only get more scorn than appreciation in return. I thought it was unfair that you weren’t suffering the same pains we were… The pains I did when I was just as sick.

I didn’t even consider the difference in the level of our problems, our situations.

I do not wish to further specifically remind you of the many hurts and actions I, your mother, and the others have brought upon you.

Bottom line of this long message is…

Forgive me. I love you. We love you. We need you back. You can recover. You will get well soon. You are always in our mind. We are praying for you.

I hope this will make you remember, kuya. I hope this will inspire you, like how it inspires me.

I wish to see you again in the near future.