I miss "LOVE" and "CARE".

This post may not make sense because I'm not in the right condition as I type this. Still exhausted from the 3-week review (same reason I didn't get to post anything new the past few weeks).

As the years pass, the more I seem to get distant with a lot of people, including the ones I care for. I don't know if that's how it is, or I only think that way because I'm becoming less self-centered and more aware of the real world.

I hate myself for it. For being weak, for caring too much, and for making a big fuss out of small things such as the attention that I get or that is given to me... but like all other things, I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

Yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday. The last day of my review... was bittersweet. I was glad to finally say good-bye to studying during the summer; to waking up early; and to commuting, squeezing myself in with the crowd, and inhaling all the smoke those wonderful carbon-monoxide belching vehicles had to give. I was also looking forward to continuing my vacation before finally going back to Davao to start my last year in High School in my new school, Ateneo de Davao... but at the same time, I was sad to say good-bye to the people I met. Even though we didn't get to know each other well, or spend much time together, we were still part of a class. And it was really fun to think that we, unlike other kids our age, have goals in life that we want to reach.

But what really made it bitter was the hurtful experience that came after we said our farewells.

There's this guy in class that I had a crush on during the first few weeks of the review. Had. Notice the emphasis. Okay. Back before I got over him, my seatmate and his schoolmate noticed this in me... but she promised to keep it a secret. Obviously, things did not turn out well as she planned on "surprising" me, so that I could "make a move on the guy", even if it were only for friendship's sake. I'm not mad at her or anything; in fact, I was quite grateful that I didn't have to keep my feelings a secret anymore. The only wrong thing that happened was all my fault. I admitted to it.

When he started asking people around about this person who had a crush on him, he also asked me, but in a manner different from the way he asked others. He was suspecting me to be the one. Even if I tried to steer away from the topic, he would bring our conversation back to it. And he was addressing my queries as if I was the one with a crush on him. Since it was already too clear, and I was tired of pretending, I just admitted to it.

Well, afterwards... the usual thing (I would do) happened. He started feeling uneasy towards me, up until the point that he wouldn't even look at me anymore.

I don't get it. I don't know if it's only in my case, but... To press people for an answer, and upon finding out who it is will start ignoring that person feels mean. It's really hurtful. It's like I'm a disgusting person. A stalker, at the worst... which isn't true naman.

I've been "busted" a lot of times by my crushes, but not once did they ever ignore me afterwards. We still remained friends after all the icky stuff. The guy and I were friends, too... and I surely didn't do anything wrong, so why does it seem like I do deserve that kind of treatment from him?

If there's one thing that really hurts me, it's being ignored, or forgotten.

Being ignored makes me feel like I'm worthless. Or that I have done something wrong. It's happened to me countless times before that it has left a deep scar in my heart and mind.

My mum would ignore me if she was mad at me. She would ignore me if she didn't care, of if I had hurt her. Since she doesn't say anything no matter what I do, I feel frustrated and uncared for. How would I know if I was wrong if she wouldn't tell me? Am I really a bad child to be left all alone?

There was once a time when my mother almost left a 7-year old me on a jeepney in Manila. Go figure how that would feel. I was as unimportant as the environment or as everything else that passes that I was easily forgotten. Just like that. They weren't being careless. It just didn't seem like I was there.

Another example would be those times when I would ask my friends to wait for me or to hear me out, but never really had my wishes granted.

Yesterday, I wanted to clear things up between us once and for all so that I could continue being friends with him, so I went after him as he was on his way to the jeep terminal. I must've come off as kulang sa pansin (someone lacking attention/wanting attention) to him, but that, I think, is not reasonable enough for him to not stop, look back, and listen to me... even after I called out to him a number of times, within an arm's length of a distance. Even after having said "Please".

It hurt me a lot... that I said things I shouldn't have. I kind of regret everything now... but I try not to dwell on it. That's why I'm writing this down, so I can take everything off my mind, and move on.

Yay. Davao. I miss you.

I miss my family, the comfort Davao provides, the people, the places. I can't wait to get home already...

Once I'm back, I might miss Manila, and a few other things outside Davao... but being back home will make me miss things and people who used to be there. Like a certain someone named Craig Morris, who I really looked forward to seeing in school this year. I even wished to be in the same section as he is.

Sadly, he'll be living in Brunei from now on. It may be for the better, or not. But I'm wishing that he'll do just fine. It hasn't been too long since he left, but I'm missing him a lot already. Maybe because we didn't even get much chance to spend time with each other (we only met twice). We'll still see each other in the days to come, and in the future, of course. There will be a way. :]

Ja ne.